Monday, December 24, 2012

Thoughts #1

Oh dear.

 I suppose it’s that time of the year again. That time when I get some inspiration from a wonderfully awe inspiring occasion, or a spontaneous bathroom thought, to write about, speak about, or think about a matter that might be important to me. Today, it’s a surprising one. Get ready.



I know, right? When’s the last time I talked, wrote, or thought about myself…I mean other than yesterday…or the whole of my life?

Never. Honestly. I promise.

Seriously, all jokes aside, I’ve really thought about this one. What I’ve finally come to the conclusion of is that I’ve never taken the time to really have a heart-to-heart with myself. And I don’t just mean taking the time to think about the goals and aspirations I have which make me an individual. I mean trying to analyze the thought process behind where my life is headed.

 I wish that I had a compass within myself, a trusty companion that always knows whether to go left or right, up or down.

Unfortunately, I don’t…or at least if I do then it’s been broken for quite a while now. But here’s where the real question comes in, after I discover, let’s say, that I actually do have an inner compass. Do I go to a mechanic, have it fixed, or do I try and see if I can make it work?

 Meaning, is this a situation where the help of others is necessary…or has this been a problem that I could fix on my own the whole time?

I’ll be real with you; I’m so tired of being tired. I mean it’s mentally exhausting really.

Imagine, having to wake up every morning, feeling ill at ease with the fact that you really don’t know. You just don’t know. You don’t know what to think, where to turn to, how to get there!

And what’s worse, you don’t know what to do when you get there. I sound really crazy, I know.

But sometimes you really have to act nonsensical, insane, mental to really discover what lies inside. Or that could have been total bullshit.

Probably the second. But sometimes you have to bullshit in order to be serious.

Okay, I’ll stop now.

You might be wondering. After all of this contemplation, this self- analyzation-and yes, analyzation is a word, however archaic (thank-you Google!), what have I really solved. To be frank, I don’t know.

Sometimes I feel so utterly depressed and discontent that I don’t feel like I’ll ever smile again. But then I do. And let me tell you, it’s so much better to do something after you never thought you’d be able to. It feels so good to be proven wrong when you’re accustomed to such dreadful thoughts.

 I feel like I could write forever. I don’t have to feel like anyone is critiquing me, or making me feel insignificant. I mean, when we all really think about it, the best moments that you have are moments that can’t be shared. At least that’s the case with me.

 For instance, you’ve just watched a documentary on nature. (I know that most people don’t appreciate that kind of film, but I find the drone of a nature narrator to be most comforting.) After it’s done, or maybe right in the middle of it, you have this thought. Now this thought makes you feel like you’re some sort of ancient philosopher, that’s just how genius you feel because you took the time to think it. With me, that thought usually pertains to being amazed with some form of technology.

Think about it. Really think about it.

You have a video camera. With this man-made instrument, you have the ability to record life as it is, and play it back to others. I can witness the events taking place in the Maasai Mara in the comfort of my home. I can see gazelles glide through the wild grasses of Africa. I can cringe as some poor animal falls prey to the cruel finesse of a lioness, and then feel relieved to discover that her cubs will have food to fill their tiny bellies for days.

 With all of these complex, sort of mind boggling thoughts…well mind boggling for me, anyway…you really appreciate whatever it is that has enraptured you at the moment.

And then, when you want to share this with someone else, which is often the case with me, you find that other person doesn’t see what you just saw. To that person, the documentary, the recording, the camera, the animals, they’re all just one insignificant thing, for lack of a better term, that they’re completely unsurprised by. It’s not because they’re not as bright as you think yourself to be, or even that they don’t understand your meaning; it’s just that they aren’t thinking about it. Or if they are, they’re not particularly interested. For me, I’ve had this scenario happen a hundred times. Most of the time, I’ll find that some time later, weeks, months, maybe years, another person will think the same way you did about something else and you feel underwhelmed. Just as underwhelmed as that person did on that day when you your spontaneous thought sprang at you like the jaws of cobra.

Whew. I’m tired. Mentally tired that is. God knows I’ve been typing here on my butt for at least fifteen minutes. Anyway, I thought I’d share that…don’t know who with but does it really matter? If no one but myself reads this it won’t matter. As long as I’ve been able to share my thoughts, to get them out of my mind and throw them all over the place, then I really am very satisfied.

Thank-you everyone and no one. And thank God. Usually people feel as if they have to blame God when things go awry, but on the contrary I feel nothing but gratefulness that my mind was opened to so many more possibilities than it once was when it was one-note. I feel like I could compose a symphony with all of the wonderful and terrible thoughts and emotions that I feel I can now experience after expressing just a few thoughts. And it really took me seeing the worst of myself to see the better. And in time, if possible, maybe the best.

But even if I never attain perfection, and I know I never will, I know at least that there is always room for improvement, there’s no way to go but up, and there’s no limit to the possibilities.

I can’t wait…

Till next time if God wills,