Oh dear.
I suppose it’s that time of the
year again. That time when I get some inspiration from a wonderfully awe
inspiring occasion, or a spontaneous bathroom thought, to write about, speak
about, or think about a matter that might be important to me. Today, it’s a
surprising one. Get ready.
Ready?
It’s…me.
I know, right? When’s the last time I talked, wrote, or thought about
myself…I mean other than yesterday…or the whole of my life?
Never. Honestly. I promise.
Seriously, all jokes aside, I’ve really thought about this one. What
I’ve finally come to the conclusion of is that I’ve never taken the time to
really have a heart-to-heart with myself. And I don’t just mean taking the time
to think about the goals and aspirations I have which make me an individual. I
mean trying to analyze the thought process behind where my life is headed.
I wish that I had a compass
within myself, a trusty companion that always knows whether to go left or
right, up or down.
Unfortunately, I don’t…or at least if I do then it’s been broken for
quite a while now. But here’s where the real question comes in, after I
discover, let’s say, that I actually do have an inner compass. Do I go to a
mechanic, have it fixed, or do I try and see if I can make it work?
Meaning, is this a situation
where the help of others is necessary…or has this been a problem that I could
fix on my own the whole time?
I’ll be real with you; I’m so tired of being tired. I mean it’s
mentally exhausting really.
Imagine, having to wake up every morning, feeling ill at ease with the
fact that you really don’t know. You just don’t know. You don’t know what to
think, where to turn to, how to get there!
And what’s worse, you don’t know what to do when you get there. I
sound really crazy, I know.
But sometimes you really have to act nonsensical, insane, mental to
really discover what lies inside. Or that could have been total bullshit.
Probably the second. But sometimes you have to bullshit in order to be
serious.
Okay, I’ll stop now.
You might be wondering. After all of this contemplation, this self-
analyzation-and yes, analyzation is a word, however archaic (thank-you
Google!), what have I really solved. To be frank, I don’t know.
Sometimes I feel so utterly depressed and discontent that I don’t feel
like I’ll ever smile again. But then I do. And let me tell you, it’s so much
better to do something after you never thought you’d be able to. It feels so
good to be proven wrong when you’re accustomed to such dreadful thoughts.
I feel like I could write
forever. I don’t have to feel like anyone is critiquing me, or making me feel
insignificant. I mean, when we all really think about it, the best moments that
you have are moments that can’t be shared. At least that’s the case with me.
For instance, you’ve just
watched a documentary on nature. (I know that most people don’t appreciate that
kind of film, but I find the drone of a nature narrator to be most comforting.)
After it’s done, or maybe right in the middle of it, you have this thought. Now
this thought makes you feel like you’re some sort of ancient philosopher,
that’s just how genius you feel because you took the time to think it. With me,
that thought usually pertains to being amazed with some form of technology.
Think about it. Really think about it.
You have a video camera. With this man-made instrument, you have the
ability to record life as it is, and play it back to others. I can witness the
events taking place in the Maasai Mara in the comfort of my home. I can see
gazelles glide through the wild grasses of Africa. I can cringe as some poor
animal falls prey to the cruel finesse of a lioness, and then feel relieved to
discover that her cubs will have food to fill their tiny bellies for days.
With all of these complex, sort
of mind boggling thoughts…well mind boggling for me, anyway…you really
appreciate whatever it is that has enraptured you at the moment.
And then, when you want to share this with someone else, which is
often the case with me, you find that other person doesn’t see what you just
saw. To that person, the documentary, the recording, the camera, the animals,
they’re all just one insignificant thing, for lack of a better term, that
they’re completely unsurprised by. It’s not because they’re not as bright as
you think yourself to be, or even that they don’t understand your meaning; it’s
just that they aren’t thinking about it. Or if they are, they’re not
particularly interested. For me, I’ve had this scenario happen a hundred times.
Most of the time, I’ll find that some time later, weeks, months, maybe years,
another person will think the same way you did about something else and you
feel underwhelmed. Just as underwhelmed as that person did on that day when you
your spontaneous thought sprang at you like the jaws of cobra.
Whew. I’m tired. Mentally tired that is. God knows I’ve been typing
here on my butt for at least fifteen minutes. Anyway, I thought I’d share that…don’t
know who with but does it really matter? If no one but myself reads this it
won’t matter. As long as I’ve been able to share my thoughts, to get them out
of my mind and throw them all over the place, then I really am very satisfied.
Thank-you everyone and no one. And thank God. Usually people feel as
if they have to blame God when things go awry, but on the contrary I feel
nothing but gratefulness that my mind was opened to so many more possibilities
than it once was when it was one-note. I feel like I could compose a symphony
with all of the wonderful and terrible thoughts and emotions that I feel I can
now experience after expressing just a few thoughts. And it really took me
seeing the worst of myself to see the better. And in time, if possible, maybe
the best.
But even if I never attain perfection, and I know I never will, I know
at least that there is always room for improvement, there’s no way to go but
up, and there’s no limit to the possibilities.
I can’t wait…
Till next time if God wills,
Appreciator
